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Humor
Wit
&
Wisdom
How are your reflexes 30 years
after graduation?
Test your skill. How many boxes can
you check in 20 seconds?
![]()
10 Year Reunion - 1984
We really haven't changed that
much
Click on image to see
Humor
The Top Ten
...signs you're getting old.
10 - You clean your teeth in the
dishwasher.
9 - You can't find your glasses when
they're on your face.
8 - You forget to take your hearing aid out
before applying Q-tip.
7 - Your back goes out more than you
do.
6 - You no longer have a stack of
books
waiting to be read.
5 - You notice a lot more people
calling you
sir or ma'am these days, and they
seem
old.
4 - You've fallen and can't get up.
3 - You're driving along and
suddenly can't
remember where you're going.
2 - Those issues of Reader's Digest
just can't
come fast enough.
1 - You find yourself thinking "boy,
I sure
could go for a nice tall glass of
prune
juice right now."
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Then
and Now 1974 Long Hair
2004 Longing for hair
1974 The perfect high
2004 The perfect high yield mutual fund
1974 KEG
2004 EKG
1974 Acid Rock
2004 Acid Reflux
1974 Living in California because it's cool
2004 Living in California because it's warm
1974 Growing pot 2000
2004 Growing pot belly
1974 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2004 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
1974 Seeds and stems
2004 Roughage
1974 Paar
2004 AARP
1974 Killer weed
2004 Weed killer
1974 The Grateful Dead
2004 Dr. Kevorkian
1974 Getting out to a new, hip joint
2004 Getting a new hip joint
1974 Rolling Stones
2004 Kidney stones
1974 Being called into the principal's office
2004 Calling the principal's office
1974 Peace sign
2004 Mercedes logo
1974 Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004 Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1974 Take acid
2004 Take antacid
1974 Passing the driver's test
2004 Passing the vision test
1974 "Whatever"
2004 "Depends"
1974: Getting your head stoned
2004: Getting your headstone
1974: "The Making of the President"
2004: The making of the President
1974: "Going blind"
2004: REALLY going blind
1974: Worrying about no one coming to your party
2004: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
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The Kids Today... Just in case you weren't
feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the
mindset of the year's incoming freshmen. Here's this
year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1985.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era
and did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was
waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the
Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope. They can only remember
one president.
They were 9 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do
not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After"
is a pill to them, not a movie.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.
Tiannamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means
nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have never likely played Pac Man and never heard
of Pong.
Star Wars looks very fake to them, and special effects
are pathetic.
There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not
new. There used to be beige ones?
They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never
seen or heard one.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year
old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost 37 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what
BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by
Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know
about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up"
commercial.
The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WW1,
WW2 or even the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran.
They cannot imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They have never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a
mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
They do not know who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R.
is.
The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where
it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not groups.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
There has always been a space shuttle. (1980 was the
first launch).
And saddest of all, their parents appear to have been
functional illiterates. |
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25
Signs You Have Grown Up
01. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
02. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
03. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
04. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
05. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
06. You watch the Weather Channel.
07. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up
and break up.
08. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
09. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed
up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those
damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go
up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds
leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good
stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces,
"I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before
going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for
one sign that doesn't apply to you. |
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You Know You're Getting Old When...
You know all the answers but nobody asks you any
questions.
A fortune teller wants to read your face.
You finally get it all together, but can't remember
where you put it.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been
anywhere.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You join a health club and never go.
You need your glasses to find your glasses.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any fiber today. |
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Middle Age
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread
out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your
loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your
spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a
lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are
five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for
a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at
the office start confiding in you.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both
ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to
slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that
caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need
to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to
work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find
your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and
you can't get it started.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it
out. |
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19
Things it Took 50 Years to Learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve,
its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with
all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on
cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That
time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or
ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL
believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you, anyway... |
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The George Carlin Theory
by George Carlin
The George Carlin Theory:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I
mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What
do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a
bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old
age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you
get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years
until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months
floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm." |
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Getting Older
by George
Carlin
Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like
to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a
half, going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't
hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony...
YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30 .
Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED , we had to throw
him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30...
then you're PUSHING 40 .
Whoa! Put on the brakes, It's all slipping away!!!
Before you know it,
you REACH 50 ...
and your dreams are gone.
But wait,
you MAKE IT to 60
You didn't think you would!
So you:
BECOME 21
TURN 30
PUSH 40
REACH 50 and
MAKE IT to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you...
HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; You HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete
cycle:
You HIT lunch
You TURN 4:30
You REACH bedtime.
My grandmother won't even buy green bananas!
It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!!
And it doesn't end there...
Into the 90s, you start going backwards:
"I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!" |
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Things it Took Me a Lifetime to Learn
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away, and you have their shoes.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while
looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me,
either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable: If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
mouth is moving.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to
blame you.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.
It is far more impressive when others discover your
good qualities without your help.
It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and
have him be happy to be on his way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt or a leaky tire.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
one works.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and
carry a clipboard. |
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Terms Have Changed...
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost
with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to
the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glu
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and
paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead. |
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And Finally...
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity. |
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Wit Computers
make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make
it easier to do don't need to be done.
- Andy Rooney
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there are men on base.
- Dave Barry
The juvenile seasquirt swims the sea searching for a rock
to cling to. When it finds a suitable spot and takes root, it doesn't
need its brain anymore so it eats it. It's rather like men after they
get married.
- unknown
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- David Letterman
I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I should
have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
Two things are infinite: the universe and human
stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the 'up'
button.
- Sam Levenson
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he
can't help himself.
- Henry Morgan
Some people are wise and some are other-wise.
- unknown
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit
family... in another city.
- George Burns
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
- Stephen Wright
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it
to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- Coronel
Live so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family
parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the
future.
- Niels Bohr
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.
- Stephen Wright?
640K of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handy
The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius
is a guy like Norman Einstein.
- Joe Theisman
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel
Wisdom The
recipe for perpetual ignorance is a very simple and effective one: be
satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.
- Elbert Hubbard
...life is what we make it, always has been, always will
be.
- Grandma Moses
When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so
regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has
opened for us.
- Alexander Graham Bell
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or
condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new
beauty waiting to be born.
- Dr. Dale Turner
Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of
stupidity.
- Frank Leahy
Successful people are always looking for opportunities to
help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, 'What's in it for
me?'
- Brian Tracy
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise; seek
what they sought.
- Baslo
Feelings of inferiority and superiority are the same.
They both come from fear.
- Dr. Robert Anthony
I have never let my schooling interfere with my
education.
- Mark Twain
Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be
grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.
- John Wooden
Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the
paint on it you can.
- Danny Kaye
We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip
little by little at a truth we find bitter.
- Denis Diderot
Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's
quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You're thinking of
failure as the enemy of success, but it isn't at all. You can be
discouraged by failure - or you can learn from it. So go ahead and
make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember, that's where you'll
find success.
- Thomas J. Watson
Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
- Winston Churchill
Its amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care
who gets the credit.
- Harry S. Truman
No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or
sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human
spirit.
- Helen Keller
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with
ashes.
- Abigail Van Buren
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if
you just sit there.
- Will Rogers
No stupid man ever suspected himself of being anything
but clever.
- Thomas Bailey Aldrich
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it
shut.
- Nathan J. Matteson
Truth will always be truth, regardless of lack of
understanding, disbelief or ignorance.
- W. Clement Stone
The cities and mansions that people dream of are those in
which they finally live.
- Lewis Mumford
Look at the world through 'soft eyes.' Hard eyes
distinguish and judge, noting the differences between ourselves and
others. Soft eyes discern instead our commonality, the web of life
that weaves itself through all humanity and nature.
- Mary Manin Morrissey
One should count each day a separate life.
- Seneca (B.C. 3-65 A.D.)
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only
through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be
strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
- Helen Keller
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do
with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Susan Ertz
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the
reason why so few engage in it.
- Henry Ford
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what
he isn't; and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
- unknown
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
- Euripides
The government is best which governs least.
- Thomas Jefferson
Half of the world's misery comes from ignorance. The
other half comes from intelligence.
- Baslo
When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become
a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as
the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.
- Pablo Picasso
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in
the world is for enough good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke
In order to find the edge, you must risk going over the
edge.
- Dennis Dugan
You cannot find yourself, only create yourself.
- Anne B. Sekel
Opportunities are seldom labeled.
- John H. Shield
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of
it.
- Unknown
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most
fools do.
- Dale Carnegie
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple
reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say
pretty things from time to time.
- Honore de Balzac
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all
its pupils.
- Hector Berlioz
Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man
does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.
- Seneca
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